Five Things Donald Trump Can Learn From Sri Lankan Politicians

Gazala Anver
Gazala Anver

Staff Writer

We really have the highest praise for our local politicians, and so, we thought to ourselves, that if US Presidential candidate Donald Trump knew of the existence of Sri Lanka and its gem-like democratically elected representatives, he would definitely take some time off from scaring Mexicans to come to Sri Lanka and learn how to be a proper leader.

We’re certain that if the gentleman in question really wanted to know how to run a country effectively, he would find invaluable pearls of wisdom and dog-years of experience in good governance right here in this tear-drop of an island in the middle of a steadily warming Indian Ocean. Here’s how we think our Lankan politicians can help Donald Trump become better at what he already does so well:

1. Sri Lankan politicians can teach Trump how to behave in the Senate and the House.

Yes, behaviour is definitely something our politicians have mastered. Watch and learn, Mr. Trump.
Yes, behaviour is definitely something our politicians have mastered. Watch and learn, Mr. Trump.

We don’t have fancy Senates and Houses in Sri Lanka, but we do have a Parliament and every now and then our politicians really let their hair loose and show the world what it means to be well behaved. For instance, just last week, fists rained while our politicians tried to make informed decisions about how to run the country, resulting in the hospitalisation of an MP. And this is just the tip of the iceberg. Titanic sized tantrums have been known to take place rather often in parliament, and it is behaviour like this that Trump can take back so much from. Although it doesn’t seem likely that he will go in very often, he could, perhaps, make it a point to be more regular and maybe learn how to run away with the mace, throw bottles and even a few well-placed punches, all in the name of getting the point across more effectively and providing great entertainment at the measly cost of integrity.

2. MP and Former President Rajapaksa can teach Trump how to turn America into a family business. Also known as the United States of Trump Incorporated. Tagline: Democracy is just a minor detail.

Just give ‘em all some major portfolios already, Mr. Trump. (Yeah, even the kids.) Image courtesy: hollywoodreporter.com
Just give ‘em all some major portfolios already, Mr. Trump. (Yeah, even the kids.) Image courtesy: hollywoodreporter.com

Who better to give Trump tips on nepotism than our dearest MR? Suddenly Trump will wish he had a bigger network of relations on whom he can entrust the coffers of the country and key public positions to. This is why, Mr. Trump, family relations and lack of birth control are instrumental. Watch and learn. Maybe you could still dig up a few relatives, who may unfortunately still be calling themselves Drumpf, from your native land. Oh wait.

3. Promoting religious and ethnic harmony. Love, Sri Lanka.

Got minorities in your country? No problem, we can teach you how to show them some love. Image courtesy: realtimepolitics.com
Got minorities in your country? No problem, we can teach you how to show them some love. Image courtesy: realtimepolitics.com

Our history is fraught with examples of how well our leaders have managed to promote religious and ethnic harmony. The war never happened, after all, neither did all those riots and the Sinhala Only Act. Oh, and did we forget to mention the BBS? We’ve always been great (to use a greatly over-used Trump adjective) at being nice to people of other ethnicities and religious backgrounds, and this is something Trump badly needs to consult our politicians about.

4. Trump could join Mervyn’s Masterclass on “How to Tie People to Trees”.

Learn from the Master. Image courtesy Getty Images
Learn from the Master. Image courtesy Getty Images

Mervyn Silva’s Masterclass on “How to Tie People to Trees” deals with the effective management of public servants, most often the hapless types. In Trump’s case, he could apply these invaluable lessons on those Mexicans he keeps harping about. Walls are, after all, rather cumbersome, expensive, and old fashioned. Ask the Chinese, they should know. Speaking of…

5. How To be Friends with China, by Sri Lankan Politicians.

Fear not, Mr. Trump ‒ diplomacy with China is something our politicos are pretty darned good at. Image courtesy conservativefocus.com
Fear not, Mr. Trump ‒ diplomacy with China is something our politicos are pretty darned good at. Image courtesy conservativefocus.com

It’s not that difficult, we hear, but America always had trouble getting along with China and we really cannot understand why. That book on How To Be Friends with China will really come in handy, just about now, dear politicians. Think about it: despite a change in government (which incidentally gave us the impression that we would lessen our dependence on our Far-Eastern neighbours), we’re still on such fantastic terms with China. Projects that came to a screeching halt, like the Colombo Port City, are back on the cards once again, and it truly must be thanks to extremely intelligent diplomatic manoeuvring that we’re still superglued to our old buddies. America, meanwhile, is a bit insufferable when it comes to diplomatic relations with China and could do with a few badly thought out Chinese funded airports, ports, port cities and towers, to come to terms with their rivals. As for towers…

Bonus:

Beautiful. Image courtesy archkidecture.com
Beautiful. Image courtesy archkidecture.com

6. We know all about making extremely phallic looking towers, don’t we? Dear Mr. Trump, if you thought your Trump Towers were the phallocentric epicentres of the world, you got another thing coming.

7. The phallus isn’t far from sexist comments, but then again, this is something you’ve been doing really well on your own, come to think of it, Mr. Trump. If there’s something you can teach our politicians, please let it not be this.

Of course, the list doesn’t end here… we could go on for rather unreasonable lengths, but we’d rather hear from you. What do you think Donald Trump could learn from our wonderful politicians?

Featured Image credit: Chip Somodevilla/Getty Images

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